For the last several years, I have spent a good deal of time at the turn of the year thinking about my life -- where I have been, where I am, where I am going. I write long lists of...I suppose we will call them "resolutions," though that word has been distored into something so trite. Resolution. "I resolve." It should be glorious! And yet....
Well, never mind. I fill this list with goals, with thoughts, with musings big and small. My only rule is that I don't censor myself in any way, no matter how silly something seems. Once I feel I have exhausted my list, I look back over it to determine a sort of theme for the year. Last year was about integrity. This year it is about sustainability.
That word is in the news a lot this days, I think. I hear it buzzing around my periphery a lot. I think about sustainable living when I put out my recyclables and take public transit to work. And while a number of things on my list do indeed have to do with sustainability in the environmental sense of the word, I'm thinking about it much more broadly than that. I want my career, my friends, my social life, my family -- all the parts that make up my life, in short -- to be things that help me grow as a person and improve my chances of making a positive contribution to the world. Sustainability for me is all about creating and sharing joy.
I have much experience with the opposite. For the last several years (six at least) I have led what I have become increasingly aware is an unsustainable life. I find it difficult to maintain the pace I have set for myself with multiple jobs and many responsibilities. I frequently feel lost as to my direction and purpose. I theoretically am doing that which brings me joy and yet I so often feel unfulfilled and am in an almost-constant state of burnout.
This is not sustainable.
So I set out to create a little space in which think about these issues. One of the problems of being overextended and constantly on the verge of crashing is that it becomes difficult to even think about how to change this situation, or even what aspects one wants to change. My actions have become almost exclusively reactions -- this must get done to make a deadline and so that is the thing that moves up to the top of the list. I set out to clear my schedule quite a lot in January and February to allow myself a bit of space in which to catch up, yes, but even more importantly, some time to do other things and give my brain a little rest. Time to go to the movies, have dinner with friends, go to bed early and sleep in late. I haven't been entirely successful so far at giving myself the break I need to do all this good work, but I also decided not to be hard on myself during this time. If I am to heal and to move forward, I must be much kinder to myself. No need to be unnecessarily critical.
Today was a big step in the right direction. I love endings and beginnings. I think I fall so hard for the notion of resolutions because the new year seems like such a beautiful time to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Today is the last day of January, the first month of my year of sustainability. I've used January as sort of a test run. I'm trying out some new things, making plans, getting things set up. This has included cleaning my house, a major relationship change, crossing off things on my to-do list at my day job. I woke up this morning -- Sunday, my favorite day of the week -- feeling like the trial period was over and I'm ready to fully commit to this.
Step 1: clean up bad habits surrounding food and exercise.
I look and feel like crap right now. No, honestly. I'm not being undeservedly self-critical. I have not been taking care of myself for weeks now. I basically spent the entirety of December eating nothing but cookies, rounded off with the occasional piece of cake or ice cream. My daily yoga practice went to pot -- down to one or two days per week. My muscles are tight, my belly is flabby, my face is broken out. Am I surprised that I feel sluggish and worn out? Hardly.
So. Up at my normal weekend time of 7:30 am today, then lounging in bed with the kittens until 8. Read my book and cleaned my apartment for an hour or so, then decided to start my workout. 20 minutes or so of brisk walking in the bitter cold winter air (I love this kind of cold, and the snow on the ground from yesterday looked even more beautiful against a vibrant blue sky) followed by a mat workout taught to me by my friend Terry, which I shall henceforth call The Ass-Kicking. I followed this excellent exercise with a yummy breakfast of clementines, tea, and toast with fancy raspberry jam.
A word about food: I am a sugar nut. Some people crave salty things, chips and fries; I can normally pass on all of that but have not yet met a cookie I don't like (hence the December problem). A priority in the coming week is to wean myself off the sugar, which I've only had nominal success doing since the holidays (it's better, but far from good). I'm particularly concerned not with foods that are naturally sweet -- fruit, for example -- but the copious amounts of processed sweets in which I indulge on a far-too-frequent basis. I'm taking it slow. Raspberry jam is not perfect, but a piece of wheat toast with jam is a big step up from an enormous chocolate muffin, right? Lunch this afternoon was a spicy black bean burger and green peppers, then vegetable stir fry with brown rice for dinner. Total intake of sweets: two Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies. I spent my afternoon in a burlesque workshop, which turned out to not be awesome but nonetheless I learned something new (fun ways to take off stockings when you're stripping...sure to come in handy at some point) and wore my first pair of pasties. Tonight, I hung out at home with my kittens (both of whom are curled up asleep at the moment, which probably means they will be up all night) and watched a movie. I'm feeling quiet, refreshed, and only a little bit hungry.
I'll be writing in here from time to time, charting my progress as I go through what I hope to be a lot of growth in the coming months. I send to you all my best wishes for a lovely year and a smile in your general direction.
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